My first column considered ways in which theses can drive students to distraction and dismay. But romantic frustration can be just as tyrannical. As a resident tutor I heard countless complaints about dating at Harvard, both the difficulties of starting a relationship and the hardships of ending one. Students could lose days or even weeks to these gnawing problems.
I was amazed at how many would grumble about the dating scene without first taking stock of their own goals and needs and the types of people that might contribute to their happiness. At the risk of over-generalizing: There are lots of different “dating types” and you alone control which ones you avoid and pursue. Perhaps the heart knows no logic—and certain other organs may be even more obtuse—but your brain has at least some influence on your decisions.
For example: You’ll encounter some students who move from hook-up to hook-up (or turn everyone away) not because they’re looking for an elusive someone but because they wouldn’t be happy if they were happy. Such people deserve your sympathy but not your company. Flee them.
There are those people who are too busy building their résumés to get close to anyone—too focused on their futures to live in the present. Avoid them. And in 20 years’ time, vote against them.
There are those who “play the field” not in search of compatibility, but on an eternal quest for the BBD—the Bigger, Better Deal. You know the ones: they continually glance over your shoulder when you’re talking face to face. Don’t try to date them—unless, of course, you’re also looking for a BBD, which would make the two of you not so much lovers as shopping partners. All I can say then is caveat emptor.
Ever hear the maxim that you can’t squeeze blood from a turnip? Some people are emotional turnips: fine for a hook-up, but nothing more to give beyond that. Don’t squeeze them.
There are those who talk about valuing sensitivity and brains but whose dating actions speak differently—those who give lip service to nice guys but tongue service to bad boys. I use the gender-specific terms not because women are the only ones to fall for people whom they shouldn’t but because guys in this category aren’t usually mature enough to admire niceness in the first place. Either way, don’t pursue these hypocritical types.
On the other hand, there are those people who are smart, kind and at least moderately attractive, but insecure and unaware of their value. Cultivate them.
There are those who are extremely bright and cool, with the capacity to teach you and learn with you, but whom you’d ordinarily not consider because you don’t see them as life-mates. Drop this attitude; just avoid making promises that you don’t intend to keep. These people are all around you. Start considering them.
Finally, there are those who give selflessly, take guiltlessly, listen eagerly, talk frankly and maintain themselves well enough to keep your motor revving. Marry them.
Okay, I’m getting ahead of myself. The truth is that even if you screen potential dates carefully, avoid the turnips and put aside your fear of rejection, you’re in for your share of romantic frustration. That’s the nature of the game. So how can you keep from letting break-ups ruin your life?
Unfortunately, there’s no magic pill for romantic recovery, though some of my colleagues speak well of Valium. The humanist tradition sanctions only the passage of time, the discipline of meditation and perhaps the vigorous consumption of chocolate.
Think history can provide easy solutions? Think again. Our distant ancestors sometimes dealt with romantic disappointment by leaving home to become monks and nuns. More recent generations would phone their exes dozens of times and hang up immediately. The decline of convents and the advent of caller ID have eradicated both of these time-honored traditions, so you’ll have to look in a different direction.
The good news is that time really does heal all wounds, although in the short term revenge can seem like an appealing salve. Keep your dreams of comeuppance in the fantasy realm and let time do its work. If you’re so consumed by bitterness that you can’t maintain any focus, rely on friends for support, turn to Harvard’s talented counselors and try to remember that in 10 years you will view this tough period through a haze of fuzzy memory.
And if all of that fails, take two chocolate bars and write me in the morning.
