...What with the recent balmy weather, Gossip Guy rushed out to pick up some spring clothing. He’s discarded his heavy, down coat of lies for some rumor-toed sandals and light and airy seersucker innuendo pants...
...Rumor has it that Gossip Guy has lost his edge. “This shit just isn’t good any more,” complained Raymond P. Rodham ’03. “I’ve read issues of the Demon that were way funnier, and issues of Diversity & Distinction that had better stories about drunk kids hooking up with inanimate objects”...
...The troupe of Ghanaian drummers and dancers that performed at the Spee may have brought a taste of Africa to Mt. Auburn Street, but the way Tia K. Jurist ’04 sucked down a fifth of Jack and started dry-humping a pile of jackets that she thought was Ricard D. Nitrell ’03-’04 in the club’s front room was truly All-American. Nitrell said, “Tia seemed to be really getting frisky with those coats. It’s too bad she passed out before we could get it on. Left without a animate hook up, I figured I might as well the pile of jackets the banging of a lifetime! Awwwww yeah!”...
...”I just don’t get why they think this is a good idea,” shouted Alison T. Haynes ’04 to anyone who would listen Saturday night at the Owl’s Catholic schoolgirl party. As a former St. Ignatius girl herself, the donning of kneesocks and kilt triggered psychotic stress memories of Sister Anne Mary rather than inspiring the cheerful sluthood the Owl intended...
...Even though her mother told her to avoid it at all costs, Mary G. Lee ’02 could only find masking tape to hang up decorations in her common room for the Model Security Council
...”Wait, February only has 28 days?” crazy Sofia B. Evans ’03 asked the guy next to her in Lit and Arts section as she checked her syllabus against her Filofax. “I totally thought I had another week in there.” Evans, who has a midterm, a paper and a bikini wax scheduled in the first week of March, spent the rest of section trying to remember that if 30 days has September, how many fucking days February has...
..First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes pounding house/trance music played on a laptop. Nn-ts, nn-ts, nn-ts...
...Mira F. Leonard ’04, giddy and disturbingly honest the day after she pulled an all-nighter, was telling anecdotes about her collection of Beanie Babies when a friend pointed out that Beanie Babies were a pretty recent phenomenon. “Hey, they really helped me during the SATs,” she said defensively. The stunned silence of her friends prompted an explanation: “They were a good luck charm! I lined them around my desk!” Leonard’s friends have stopped returning her calls...
...THESIS UPDATE: ...Antonia C. Kandu ’02 decided to undergo the four-hour procedure that is washing her braids. “I hadn’t washed my hair in five months because that was time I should be spending attending to my “bitch” [Kandu began referring to her thesis as her bitch in late January]. The gnats that nested near my scalp were cute at first, but their larvae kind of itch”...
