...This Ultimate Edition® DVD of Gossip Guy boasts: Deleted lies! Directors’ rumors! Nude-scene-containing innuendo!...
...In a tragic case of life imitating Jay-Z’s “Girls, Girls, Girls,” self-styled “Super MC” Casey B. Weinstein ’03 dumped girlfriend Trish G. Fenster ’02 after he claimed “she kept bootlegging my shit.” Commented a distraught Fenster, “I don’t know what he’s talking about—it’s not like he makes CDs. Or tapes. Or anything that anyone, least of all me, could or would bootleg.” Retorted Weinstein, “I got bitches in the common room gettin’ it on/ and they ain’t leavin’ till the residential tutor comes along. Beee-yotch!”...
...An intellectually fulfilling time was had by all kinds of weirdos at Saturday night’s Signet party. In a demonstration of the organization’s committment to Arts & Letters, transvestites were hired to, in the words of Signet member Brad O. Julius ’03, “dance and, like, party and shit. Dude? You know?!? Like—wait, what was the question?”...
...Will C. Benstein ’03 has worn the same hooded blue sweatshirt for ten days. “Do you think anyone has noticed?” he asked as flowers wilted and bystanders passed out nearby...
...Last weekend, notorious exaggerator Scott J. Redman ’03 announced to friends that he’d received oral sex at a Lowell House party. Recently uncovered evidence, however, indicates that on the night in question Redman was too stoned to find his way out of his own bathroom in Quincy House and had imagined the fellation after devouring several copies of Sports Illustrated in a bout of severe munchies. “After that much ink gets in your system, it’s common to have absurd sexual delusions,” said professor of psychopharmacology K. Leonard Previan. Previan then consumed a bubbling vial of an unknown substance and attempted to convince several of his collegues that he’d once engaged in a three-way with his head TF and the Dalai Lama...
...Jimmy D. Blitzer ’05 has been using the hilarious expression “Deez nutz!” at wholly inappropriate times: in e-mail conversatoins with TFs, in his after-school tutoring program, in synagogue and—most outlandishly—when tellin’ hiz bitches exactizzily which parts of his body to lick...
...Fitting in with the cool college kids seems to be the raison d’etre for the educational career of Dunster House tutor Kevin J. Venman ’95. It was therefore a sad statement on his life when he vomited in the front room of the Spee last weekend and was chased down Mt. Auburn Street by insult- and lighter-hurling sophomores...
NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Mandy C. Arek ’02-’03 has been having some bad stomachaches lately. “My stomach has been hurting a lot,” she elaborated. “It’s like this dull pain centered about the, well, the stomach area”...Mira F. Leonard ’04 takes the time to carefully punctuate and spellcheck even the drunkiest of her drunkmails. Writes Leonard: “I am so inebriated; I think I just hooked up with the provost”...
CORRECTIONS: Several witnesses have questioned last week’s characterization of Pfoho “Love Connection” contestant William K. Weaver ’98-’03 as “pantsless.” Wrote Weaver himself in a drunken e-mail: “No pannts? Yu gottta be kedding me, Gozzip Goo. I got mad pants.” To clarify: at the time of the incident in question, pants were present on Weaver’s person. However, the official Gossip Guy stylebook clearly states that pants worn around one’s head still qualify that person as pantsless...
