...Oscar dark horse Gossip Guy is the feel-good hit of the summer, boasting edge-of-your-seat lies, spine-tingling rumors and star-studded innuendo...
...Holly T. Vargas ’02 was spotted freaking and, in one particularly disturbing tableau, licking Kris B. Jackson ’04 at an Adams House party last Friday. When asked what occurred between the two after the party, Jackson refused comment. “Talking about what Holly did to me behind that bush in the Lev[erett] courtyard would just be too arousing,” he said. Vargas, who had consumed a Nalgene bottle full of Bloody Mary mix and gin earlier that evening, remembered nothing that occurred after 5 p.m. “I wonder if I told Kris that I liked him. God, that would be so embarrassing,” she said, also mentioning that her bra, underwear and emergency condoms were somehow missing and/or soiled...
...Lovell House residents Jamal King ’05 and Silas P. Silas ’05 have caused quite a stir here at Harvard, what with their kidnapping of the Dooster statue, crashing their car into the Harvard statue while hotboxing and delivering pot brownies to uptight Dean Cain. Asked for comment, Jamal indicated that he came to Harvard looking to “cultivate [his] herbals”...
...Howard T. Weiland ’05 recently spent three hours searching the website www.nakedtennisbabes.com after seeing a pop-up window that advertised topless pictures of Anna Kournikova. With nothing to show for his time except a jpeg of Kournikova’s face crudely Photoshopped onto a picture of two copulating sheep, Weiland fired off an indignant e-mail to the webmaster. The webmaster responded by sending Weiland a picture of himself engaged in intercourse with Weiland’s mother and a horse...
...The winner of the Pfoho House Committee’s “Love Connection” game on Sunday night was none other than Gossip Guy stalwart William K. Weaver ’98-’03, who won a date at Bartley’s with the comely Melissa I. Wang ’02. Between egregious misuses of the phrase “coup d’etat,” a pantsless Weaver reeled off bon mots like “I’ll knock the bottom out of that ass” and “If your room flooded, I’d buy you a Little Mermaid costume—and then we’d do it.” Upon meeting and spending 30 seconds with a disoriented, hormone-crazed Weaver, Wang was heard muttering, “This is the last time I do any [expletive] favors for the HoCo.” For his part, Weaver was heard to mutter, “I want a sandwich”...
...A classy, intimate birthday party for New Quincy resident Francesca D. Thanklin ’03 was invaded by “hordes of [Undergraduate Council] nerds” Friday night. Shell-shocked witness David B. Stevens ’03 provides a blow-by-blow account of the chilling dork attack: “I was talking with some people I met at the party when the door opened and about 20 of the sorriest-looking kids I’ve ever seen stumbled in. Within two minutes, they’d insulted the host and spilled a handle of vodka on the stairs. Later, I found out they all worked on the UC.” Commented one socially maladjusted party-crasher, “I got a weird vibe from the people there, like they didn’t want to see drunken, uninvited buffoons spill shit on the furniture.” He then composed a resolution demanding world peace...
...Jim D. Chinitz ’04 has been boasting about the awesome gift he got for his “girlfriend” for Valentine’s Day. His roommates note that he neither has a girlfriend nor has talked to a female since sections stopped in December. Closer analysis reveals that the gift was an issue of Maxim—and that it was a gift for Jim...
...Rollerball? Don’t mind if I do! As at other campuses across the country, enthusiasm for the new film Rollerball has invigorated Harvard’s normally apathetic student body. “That acting! That drama! That rollerball excitement! I can’t think of three finer actors than L. L. Cool J, Chris Klein and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos,” raved Christine S. Narnia ’02. Reid Professor of English and American Literature Philip J. Fisher plans on dropping The Sound and the Fury to make room for the Rollerball screenplay in his popular class on modern American fiction. “I wouldn’t be surprised if more professors followed my lead,” said Fisher. “To get kids’ attention, one has to address the popular and critical juggernaut that this film has become. Right now, American culture is rollerball.” According to Variety, the movie has sold over a dozen tickets since its release...
