...Thanksgiving break is over, but Gossip Guy didn’t go shopping and has yet to buy holiday gifts. Top on his own wish list is a new pair of lies, special Christmas-season rumors and limited-edition Franklin Mint innuendo...
...Dave Y. Terrence ’03 is mulling over his Harvard-Cambridge Scholarship essay, which he wrote 15 minutes before it was due last Tuesday. “Why didn’t I spell-check this first?” Terrence lamented, referring to his spelling of “bottem,” “sincrely,” and “goooooo.” “I mean, what does ‘goooooo’ even mean? What the hell was that?”...
...Weekend before last, Harvard scored on Yale to win the Big Game. Meanwhile, in a dirty men’s urinal underneath the bleachers, Moura T. Hayley ’04 scored on two guys from Yale and somebody claiming to be from BU to win the contest for biggest Ivy ho...
...New Crimson president Amir C. Daharpuni ’04 is drunk on power. New A.D. president Franklin C. Flynn ’04 is cracked out on crack...
...The Fly is having a huge party this weekend. One student who won’t be in attendance is Mira F. Leonard ’04. “I would rather drink myself into oblivion in my own room and have my roommates carry me to UHS than go to that party,” she said as she uncorked a bottle of bourbon. This just in: Leonard’s roommates hate her...
...After seeing 8 Mile, Casey B. Weinstein ’03 thinks he is Mekhi Phifer. “All I’m trying to say is that all my bitches need to be down with the 3-1-3,” said Weinstein, who has no numbers beginning with the area code 313 saved in his $200 Nokia cell phone...
...Jerome M. Worth ’03 has been reaping the reward of years of intricate game. “Freshman year, I blow up your cellpiece on the reg; sophomore year, I send you flowers. Junior year, I ignore you, don’t say ‘Hi.’ I’m like, ‘Who are you again?’ Then senior year, you calling me. And I’ll tap that.”...
...David R. Kleaves ’05 figured he’d win some easy money off William K. Weaver ’98-’03 by betting Weaver he couldn’t eat three Saltines in 30 seconds, a feat considered impossible by many culinary experts. But those experts have never seen the likes of the hormonally berserk Weaver, whose has salivary glands the size of a tennis ball. This is not so much a joke as a strange and uncomfortable truth...
...Frankfurter Professor of Pettiness Alex Dershkowitz threw a girly tantrum at the Loews Boston Common Theater when he couldn’t get in to a screening of the new Bond movie. Dershkowitz’s resemblance to the ticketless guy in those moronic Fandango commercials was noted by 60 percent of observers. His status as a somehow more threatening version of the Satanic leprechaun in the Leprechaun movies was noted by all...
...NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Andrew C. Ramos ’04 got cream in his coffee last night. “Normally I don’t rock cream, but this coffee’s really bad,” he explained...Alexander R. Jubinski ’03, looking to borrow a highlighter from roommate Will C. Benstein ’03, was offered orange or yellow. He went with the yellow. Nerd...
