Fifteen Worst Parts
Of Thanksgiving Break
1. The deeply disturbing information, as per Sunday’s New York Times, that Marty “Not incinerating the homeless creates what economists call a deadweight loss” Feldstein is, like, the most powerful man in America.
2. The presence of Tofurkey. Tofuck that!
3. My high school friends’ rich and full lives at college make me feel like my life in “Crapville,” a.k.a. Harvard, leaves much to be desired.
4. When I tell people my “concentration,” why do they punch me in the groin?
5. And don’t get me started on “TF.” I’m still sore.
6. All the hot girls from high school that I thought would be interested in me now because I’m not only the only guy from my grade to still attend college, but I go to freakin’ Harvard, still call me “Gary the Gaywad.”
7. Thanksgiving is a stressful holiday for divorced families. Me and my baby mama argued so much...
8. Homework?!? It’s called a vay-cation, not a homeworkcation!
9. It was cool seeing how nicely my family members have grown over the last year. It was less cool seeing how terribly my ant-farm family has suffered.
10. Crazy Cousin John was surprisingly well-behaved. But, man, Homicidal Uncle Albert went nuts! Blood everywhere. What a mess.
11. I got the sense that things had changed between me and my old boarding school buddies. One of them made a passing remark about me being “all Harvard now.” No one makes a fool of Cabot Lowell Wigglesworth III like that!
12. Meeting my girlfriend’s parents was a little scary, and sometimes awkward, but in the end I felt it but brought us closer together. Can’t say the same about meeting her husband. ¡Ay!
13. When I told relatives that I was a social studies major, they laughed and asked if I worked mostly with dioramas. I pretended I didn’t, but I don’t think my dad’s going to let me bring the Elmer’s Glue back to school.
14. A lot of people gain weight over Thanksgiving, but most of them don’t do so by being accidentally welded to a small dog.
15. My 2 p.m. seminar on Wednesday wasn’t cancelled. My plane was delayed for four hours, then cancelled. I made it back to Michigan on Thursday, in time to see the Lions lose. The turkey burned in the oven, so we went out to Taco Bell. They were out of turkey burritos. Then I had to work on two term papers and a thesis chapter. The worst part of Thanksgiving break? Whenever I was awake.
