...Gossip Guy is getting ready for the big Harvard-Yale weekend, and he’s planning a tailgate. On the menu: mimosa-drenched rumors, Yale-bullying lies, and stupid stunt-pulling innuendo...
...Prefect Miguel J. Robbins ’04 thinks that he’s kept the lid on the fact that he’s regularly sleeping with prefectee Alison F. Cammon ’06. Unbeknownst to Miguel, his entire proctor group, half of Grays, and the majority of the Union dorms know exactly the way he likes his balls licked...
...On the Celebrity Radar: Richard Dreyfuss, in town for a Kirkland House event, enjoyed a lovely meal in the Kirkland dining hall. Clint G. Wallach ’03 had a special-ordered hot dog stolen by the Jaws star. Just when he thought it was safe... J-Lo and Ben Affleck are rumored to be coming to a tailgate at this year’s Big Game. Campus playboy Brian M. Briginz ’03, who irritated J-Lo last month at Redline, is already choosing his outfit. “If she’s really still Jenny from the barrio, she’ll recognize game,” Briginz predicted ...
...The parents of Larry W. Swenson ’03 decided they wanted to see their son’s dorm room this year, a choice all parties soon regretted. Swenson recalls the encounter between his mother and his filth-covered single in Cabot House, saying “I think the last straw was the fungus-covered beer stein still half-full of Pabst...or maybe it was the melted Twix bar on my printer.” Swenson’s mother fell over in her haste to leave, slipping on a used condom...
...Samuel H. Hortence ’06, anticipating his first Harvard-Yale game, is spending every free minute thinking of clever pick-up lines for the Yale female students he expects to meet this weekend. “You may go to what was my safety school but you’re not my safety babe, uh, babe” Hortence muttered...
...Inspired by this week’s scrutiny, Harvard administrators formed a special committee to investigate students’ masturbatory habits. After just one room, however—a Greenough single on the second floor—the committee was so inundated with “reams and reams” of hard data that they were forced to abandon the project....
...There’s only one straight guy in a certain Lowell entryway: Frederick A. Grant ’05. And according to a anonymous HoCo executive, Grant is being “sucked foolish” by three-quarters of his entrywaymates...
...Nicholas Z. Renteria ’03 is totally sweating Jennifer T. Cranter ’05. Correction: Renteria is totally sweating Cranter’s melons. Said the hornball, “God, do I want to get my hands on those sweet twin worlds of pleasure”...
...NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Antonio A. Harris ’04 decided to take his Italian TF to the faculty dinner this Wednesday. “I figure it couldn’t hurt, especially after the midterm, which hurt pretty damn bad,” he said...Neil G. Jirmanus ‘04 is planning to get fall-down drunk the morning of the big game. “I’d like to just get so blitzed, man, and it’s going to be crazy”...
