…Gossip Guy’s tastes have turned sophisticated. Instead of his usual Gossip Guyweiser Lite, this week he’ll be savoring oak-barreled lies, ’61 premier-cru rumors and complex innuendo with hints of fruit and toast…
…FM exec and comp director William Y. Weaver ’98-’03 loves the fresh meat. Enticing the next generation of sultry semanticists to a Saturday soiree with promises of drunken debauchery, Weaver proceeded to embark upon eight bare-assed circumnavigations of the Quad. Said one underwhelmed comper, “Nice route, Magellan.” Shuddered another, “You know, Will really shouldn’t do that”…
...Robert S. Frischling ‘02 has one nut...
…Communication between Alan S. Li ’03 and his blockmates has deteriorated to the point that their only encounters are Li’s inquiries about the availability of Wild Turkey. “Dudes, uncorked that Turkey yet? No? Later,” Li adds…
...Michael Jordan will be playing for the Washington Wizards this season. It is predicted that a certain well-known Harvard basketball player will also be playing for the other team this year, if you know what I mean...
…It was a close encounter of the dirty, underage kind when über-WASP Horatio R. Sherman ’02 went home with an unidentified and unclean girl he met at the Owl last week. Witness Brian M. Bringiz ’03 explains: “So this girl rolls up and she’s like clearly cracked-out. She’s like 4’ 10”, looked about 14, maybe 11. I think she was probably homeless. She’s trying to get with all the fellas. So I, you know, fled. Later I’m walking by and I hear Homer saying to her, ‘So, you wanna get out of here?’ I am not kidding!” Sherman’s response to the allegations of underage homeless crack-fiend sex: “Dude, she was 14. And she was no virgin!”…
...The girls in a certain Canaday room are sluts. “Come fuck us!” the sirens call from their windows onto the Science Center walkway...
…Mediocre academic and world-class lech Professor Peter Y. Block has allegedly been holding office hours in his pants. Said student Valerie C. Perry ’05 from within Block’s Dockers, “And they say Yale sucks” …
...Robert L. DeCurtis ’05 failed to successfully move his teammate from first to second base last Friday night, popping a sacrifice bunt directly to the pitcher, if you get my drift…
…It was a photo finish at Koopa Troopa Beach, when, at the last minute, Luigi’s red shells knocked Peach out of contention. Added seventh-place Mario, “I’m-a Mario, I’m-a gonna win!”…
…Quentin S. Granta ’02 makes quite a spectacle of himself, constantly dressed to the nines in a yachting costume. “Do you like my new ascot?” he asked Jim D. Grimm ’03 as he vainly and uselessly attempted to direct traffic airplane-landing-style at the Fly Saturday night. Responded Grimm: “Stick it up your porthole, cap’n” …
…Young lacrosse stud G. Frederick Kemper ’05 put on his best Abercrombies, polished his fake ID and finally made the pilgrimage to the legendary Crimson Sports Grille. “Dude, this place sucks!” Kemper moaned, sucking sawdust…
…Word on the street is Harvard girls are a fractured bunch. The Crimson Key Society Girls’ Club hopes to change all that. “We want to offer an egalitarian social venue where members of the Bee and Seneca can finally meet on common ground,” Jennifer W. Trotman ’02 said. More than a plate of a salad was consumed by the group’s 50 members at their first potluck dinner. “God, I am so fat,” opined Trotman…
