...Gossip Guy was sad, then panicky, then euphoric, then horny, then bloody, then, ultimately, accepting of the fact that this is FM’s final issue under present management. In honor of the soon-to-be dearly departed, the Guy is proudly somewhat ashamed to present a special FM-only Gossip Guy. Recognizing FM standards, this column will feature snarky lies, self-aggrandizing rumors and unsourced, assumption-heavy innuendo...
... Outgoing co-chair Harriet T. Vostock ‘02 expressed her appreciation of a handful of Doritos by saying, “Amazing!” Things Vostock has previously dubbed “Amazing!” include: the Smoot-Hawley Tariff; the title “The Invasian”; wheels; being in a loving relationship with a cat; the fact that the Earth orbits the sun; stuff: “just. like, stuff”; countless suck-ass article ideas; and fluorescent lights...
...Incoming production director William K Weaver ‘98-’03 indulged in another nude circumnavigation of the Quad: his ass cheeks were spotted flapping in the early-dawn wind on Saturday. “Nothing cleanses my system and brings balance to my nutsack like a few bare-assed laps when the morning dew is fresh,” Weaver exulted. Incoming associate editor Mira F. Leonard ‘04, heading off to an appointment with a therapist she’d been seeing since her last naked Weaver sighting, actually collided with the cardio-training exhibitionist. “Hey there, little missy,” a completely unembarrassed Weaver said. Wary of more full-frontal terror, Leonard has not left her room since...
...Outgoing associate editor Antonia C. Kandu ‘02 recently began dating news exec Neil O. Dershovitz ‘02, who is often mistakenly thought to have black or Native American ancestry. Commented Kandu, who is black, “If Neil was actually half-black or something, I’d break up with him,” which is not a joke as much as it’s a strange and uncomfortable truth...
...Incoming associate editor Amir C. Daharphuni ‘04’s work on the Crimson dining services beat is getting him in deep water with the powers-that-be. Soon after his front-page exposé on hummus was printed, Daharpuni was pinned against the Lowell salad bar by HUDS thugs. “You done stuck your nose where it don’t belong one time too many, boy,” the goons warned as they viciously oversalted his potatoes...
...Jason E. Gordon ‘04, longtime crush of outgoing magazine editor Jennifer T. Cohen ‘02 finally made his move on Friday night. The problem is that he turned out to be a total freak. “Baby, I’m gonna treat you like my little sister,” he moaned while licking her neck. “He totally weirded me out with that comment. I mean I still hooked up with him, but he’s gonna have to eventually dump his sister if this is going to last,” she said...
...The folks down at the Harvard College Fund are beginning to regret choosing outgoing co-chair Tabitha G. Filney ‘02 to lead the Senior Gift Committee. “I began to get worried after she told me she was ‘trizzashed,’ whatever that means. I also wondered why she left five messages on my emergency cell phone announcing that Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels, Jim Bean and Tanqueray No. 10 would be our biggest donors. I haven’t met those particular seniors, but she seemed to know them pretty darn well.” Filney was later spotted cashing checks made out to the College Fund at Central Square’s Supreme Liquors...
...Love blossoms for outgoing creative director Christine S. Narnia ‘02, who has begun dating a man she met at Daedalus. “Sure, he’s 40, but a young 40. And I get along really well with his daughter. I guess that makes sense considering she’s my blockmate”...
...Current associate editor and future chair David B. Stevens ’03 was painfully close to a drunken dance-floor hook-up at an MIT frat party last Saturday night. A dangerously intoxicated girl spotted the raffish Stevens and started freaking him. A lusty, drunk Tabitha G. Filney ‘02 pulled her away, and yelled “get away, you thirsty slut—David deserves better.” Stevens later witnessed the same girl grinding her ass into “some total nerd’s crotch. How could she lower her standards like that?”...
...FM Non-Gossip of the week: Incoming associate editor Racquel E. Arid ’04 enjoys watching cable in her DeWolfe dorm room. “I prefer having cable, because that way there are a lot more channels,” she calculated...Winthrop J resident and incoming editorial director Will C. Benstein ‘03 exits Winthrop via its little-used riverside back door. “I’m convinced that, for trips to Plympton St. and other points east, it saves a few steps” the amateur cartographer mused...Incoming associate editor Mandy C. Arek ‘02-’03 figured out what those banging noises she hears in her bedroom at night are. “It’s the heater! It’s so noisy! Sometimes it keeps me up when I want to be asleep!” she complained...
