...It’s the most horrible time of the year here in the Crimson newsroom, as the 2001 Turkey Shoot continues. Gossip Guy doesn’t have to travel far to find vicious lies, backstabbing rumors and ass-kissing innuendo...
...Ricard D. Nitrell ‘03-’04 had another stellar night last Wednesday. After putting down 22 sake bombs during a Japanese dinner, Nitrell made an ass out of himself no less than 22 times before he passed out on a stranger’s couch. Sample ass-like behavior: loudly telling Timothy H. Weidand ‘04 that fellow dinner guest Sasha S. Fazio ‘05 “is ready to teabag me all night lizzong.” When Weidand informed Nitrell that he had been dating Fazio for over a year, Nitrell smoothly responded, “What? That slut?”...
...Maurice K. Davis ‘02 was in top form on Saturday night. He charmed the ladies by grabbing asses on the dance floor and in the bathroom of the Fly. After vomiting on his shoes in front of CVS, he stumbled back to his room and demanded that his roommate look up the address of Lynn D. Growney ‘02, whose face he had licked on the dance floor. “I knew she was interested when she didn’t punch me,” he commented. He made his way to Growney’s room, taking frequent breaks when the sidewalk was spinning too fast, though he was soon kicked out because (A) Growney’s boyfriend was passed out in her common room and (B) Jubinski had squeezed an entire tube of toothpaste into his hair in an entirely unsuccessful attempt to clean the puke off his teeth...
...Ferris T. Hankins ‘05 is tearing up his Lampoon comp. For several years, the funniest thing about the ‘Poon was that its writers call themselves the “literature board” while producing mostly pieces of no more than 300 words which are usually in list format and rarely feature plot or characters. Hankins has breathed new life into the rag with submissions like “What if Historical Figures Spoke in Modern Slang English?” Commented Lampoon President Steven C. Hely ‘02 while reading Hankins’ piece: “The kid’s right—it would be funny if Charlemagne said ‘yo.’”...
...CityStep volunteer Ernest P. Logan ‘05 put on quite a show at the CityStep ball Friday night. After drinking a 12-pack of Tequiza on the Red Line ride into Boston, Logan headed straight to the Copley Plaza bathroom, where he spent the next three hours alternately urinating in and near the paper towel dispenser, vomiting, and resting his head in a pool of his own vomit. “This event is all about bringing the Harvard community together for a great cause,” he said as he was lifted into a gurney within Mass General Hospital. He later peed on a nurse...
...Reactions of New Yorkers to the Yankees’ World Series loss varied across campus, ranging from depression to anger to disturbing sexual excitement. Samir K. “40” Shankar ‘03 curled into a fetal position, sobbing, as the Diamondbacks’ winning run crossed the plate. Ten minutes later he broke into a rage, kicking his Phoenix-native roommate in the groin and breaking every television in his entryway with his bare fists...Felix P. Johnson ‘03 exuded smugness, despite the fact that he missed the first eight innings of Game 7 watching a homemade “Will & Grace” highlights tape and the only Yankees player he can name is “like, Roger Lemons.” “The New York Yankees are the greatest sports franchise of all time, and New York is the greatest city in the world. Where are you from again, Iowa or something?” he asked his roommate, long-suffering Michigan resident and Tigers aficionado David B. Stevens ‘03. Stevens later filled Johnson’s backpack with rotting fruit...Fairweather fan Antonia C. Kandu ‘02 still hasn’t noticed that the Series is over. “Mmm, Derek, baby,” she moaned, staring at her life-size Derek Jeter poster. “You can squat behind my plate anytime,” she whispered huskily, unaware that Jeter plays shortstop, not catcher...
