...Gossip Guy took a break from his usual diet of inhaled depressants and store-brand snack foods to start competing in house IMs. Although benched for every game, Gossip Guy came back chuck-full of unleashed-aggression lies, work-avoiding rumors, and Cabot-hating innuendo....
...Sketchy TF Kevin T. Jones, after discovering that students in his section were not impressed, but rather horrified, to learn that he lost his virginity to a prostitute at age 15, attempted to justify paying for sex by mumbling that “it’s just a tradition where I come from.” Jones, who hails from America, was later fired for allowing students to make up missed response papers by giving him handjobs in the Barker Center bathroom...
...Alexander R. Jubinski ‘03 has rediscovered the armpit fart as a source of humor. Asked for comment, Jubinski cupped his hand, put it in his underarm, and quickly raised and lowered his arm, producing a distinctive sound. He then laughed uproariously...
...Wedding bells are ringing for Matt D. Boyd ‘02 and Sarah. G. Niccol ‘02. Boyd explains that he’s looking forward to purchasing the couple’s first apartment. Niccol, repressing her dream of owning a house, grinned, kissed her beau on the cheek, and tried not to think about how the rest of her life would be spent with a guy with big ears...
...Boris G. Sumilovitch ‘03 dressed as a nerd for Halloween—pants high, shirt tucked in, sporting thick black glasses. 100% of the people that he met made some variant of a “Dude, you didn’t need to dress up to be a nerd!” joke. Sumilovitch noted that he should have anticipated that shit...
...Tabitha G. Filney ‘02 was sleeping soundly Saturday night when drunk-’n’-high AD member James D. Seaver ‘02 barged into her room and climbed under her covers “looking to cuddle.” Filney, who describes herself as being on “‘hi’ terms only” with “Seav,” was disgusted yet flattered by the attention. After several unsuccessful spooning attempts, Filney succeeded in extricating Seaver from her bed. He fell asleep in the fetal position on her floor, a boner visible through his Dockers. Filney has started bolting her door...
...Most popular female Halloween costumes this year: Slut, Slut With Ears, Slut With Horns, Slut With Tail, Slut With Wings, Slut With No Shame, Slut in Fishnets, Slutty Swede, Ho...
...Applied Math major Amir C. Daharpuni ’04 wasn’t pleased with his performance at a recent Phoenix lunch. “If conversational contributions were tallied and displayed in a pie chart, my contribution would be, like, nothing,” he complained...
...Andrew S. Peterson ‘04 got totally trashed at Ricard D. Nitrell ‘03-’04’s 21st birthday bash at a Boston club. As Peterson left the cab that ferried them home, Nitrell noticed a foul odor. “Oh, uh, I must have shat myself,” he said, pleased that he had correctly conjugated “shit.” When Peterson was questioned about the pants-shitting the next day, he denied it. But the soiled, shat-in pants and boxers don’t lie...
...NON-GOSSIP OF THE WEEK: Jason A. Abrahams ‘03 ate his pork chop before his salad Wednesday night in the Lowell dining hall. “I didn’t want the pork chop to get cold. With the salad, temperature doesn’t really matter,” he explained...Jennifer T. Cohen ’02 bought new pens yesterday. “My pens ran out of ink so I needed new ones,” she commented...William K. Weaver ‘98-’03 took Linden St. instead of Plympton or Holyoke on Tuesday. “Man, I don’t walk down this street very much. I usually take Plympton or Holyoke,” he mused...David B. Stevens ‘03 went to Noch’s and got the Italian sub. “I was going to get a cheeseburger, but that’s too heavy,” he said in between bites...
