…¿Gossip Guy fiesta edition? ¡Si! You’ll go loco over our grande lies, rumors con salsa, and el innuendo de los burritos…
...Gregory T. Logan ’02 was slightly disconcerted by the reactions of Svetlana H. Ashanski ‘02’s roommates as he left her DeWolfe apartment post-hookup on Sunday morning. “What’s up, P—wait, you’re not the guy she usually sleeps with!” commented Marnie J. Cowling ’02. Cowling’s boyfriend, who had also spent the night, added “Pete! Dude! Whass—Whoa, who the fuck are you!?”...
... Which current Harvard President and former Secretary of the Treasury fell asleep during Yom Kippur services last week? Mazel tov, big guy....
...Model U. N. jock Steven B. O’Connell ’03, back in action after what he described as “a yearlong cease-fire unitlaterally imposed by the Special Commission on Gonorrea,” was shocked when his evening with allegedly lapsed Catholic Sherry B. Horner ’03 took an unexpectedly abstinent turn. “I was so pissed, man. I totally thought she was gonna hook up with me. You know, smoking and drinking and shit. But it turns out that she’s still Catholic below the waist.”...
...Did Corker Q. Picker ’02-03 intern at the Washington Institute of Sticking a Rod Up Your Ass this summer or what?...
…Tommy’s is failing to live up to even the meager promise of its unofficial slogan, “Tommy’s: Because High Kids Will Eat Any Crap That’s Hot,” disappointing even the very stoned. Complained Mather resident Tyrone P. Pfeiffer ’02, who was extremely baked, “Dude, these wings rate a total 0 on the Wing-O-Meter.” He then inquired whether Gossip Guy “was going to finish those cheese fries.”...
...At the plate with runners on first and second in the bottom of the seventh, Alan D. Camp ’04 hit into a textbook 6-4-3 double play, if you get my drift...
...Some have wondered if non-practicing Jew Harriet T. Vostock ‘02’s relationship with Hillel parliamentarian Avi C. Nehumi ’02 has rekindled her spiritual flame. “Nope,” responded Vostock, using a microwave on the Sabbath to heat up her meal of milk-battered pork-fried ham...
…David B. Stevens ’03 and Gilbert B. Silverman ’03 were disappointed when last weekend’s trip to Boston College failed to yield the hot-chick-dance-floor-groping-followed-by-naked-sorority-pillow-fight-observing they were expecting. Commented Silverman, “I thought saying ‘Harvard’ loudly in the middle of the party would inspire nubile co-eds to ask me where I went to school and when I would like them to pleasure me orally, but instead all that happened was a guy in a white baseball cap poured Icehouse on my shoes”…
...With the Star Cup on the line, Mario knocked Bowser out with a red shell Saturday night. “Fucking plumber,” Bowser was heard to mutter...
…Brian M. Bringiz ’03 got it on with the older sister of former hookup Reese V. Bitagne ’02 Friday night. Both Bitagne beauties met on the street the following morning as Reese was beginning her own walk of shame home from the adjacent apartment of Bringiz’s former roommate. When asked about the strange and incestuous nature of the lovin’, which greatly disturbed the sultry sisters, Bringiz responded “Dude, I know! It’s so hot. I’m thinking about asking if they’d double up on me”…
…As they lay together in bed after a candlelit dinner, deep spiritual conversation and passionate lovemaking, Boris G. Sumilovitch ’04 figured that asking Audrey O. Kerms ’05 if he could sleep over was a formality. “Yeah, not tonight, buddy,” she replied. “Get your clothes on. I’ll walk you to the door. Of the bedroom”…
