...There was no ham in the dining hall again yesterday. Is ham such a scarce fucking resource? It’s not like you have to mine it. What the fuck? Gossip Guy: crotchety lies, peeved rumors and frustrated innuendo....
...When Raymond Y. Rodham ‘03 and Samir K. “40” Shankar ‘03 found the Adams House foosball room occupied late Sunday night, they assumed that the room was being used for its intended purpose, and that the only rods being gripped were “those rods you turn to turn the guys, you know,” Rodham said. An anonymous masturbator proved them wrong. “Give me, uh, 30 seconds, guys,” the fiend muttered while blocking the door, a fistful of tissue clearly visible...
...After a long night drinking, Carl Y. Sampson ‘02 stumbled back to Lev and passed out in front of his entryway. A kindly neighbor, the plain-faced Rita J. Harris ‘03, brought him in from the cold, propping him on her shoulder up three flights of stairs. Sampson—super-drunk, confused and mean—thought that she wanted to come in and hook up, so he proceeded to barricade the door against her. He fell asleep next to the door, and woke the next morning when the chair he’d shoved against it fell on his head...
...Everyone knows that Sarah W. Friedburg ‘04 wants Felipe L. DePaul ‘03’s sauce except DePaul, who tells everyone he sees that he is languishing in an excess of unwanted sauce...
...Things I’ve heard the people in the room next to me say while they’re having sex: “Fuck yeah!” “Ah, ah, ah, oh!” “Yeah, ah, no-no-no, yes!” “Wait, slow it down.” “Yeah, right in the [unintelligible], no, the [unintelligible]” “No, don’t—OK.” “No one can hear us, right?”...
...As ever, there was a lot of monkey-excitement in Mark Hauser’s Primate Cognitive Neuroscience Laboratory this week. First, “Miles” in cage three distracted researchers by loudly fellating himself for several hours. The next day saw the world’s first reported case of interspecies cockblock, when Felix P. Johnson ‘03 entered the lab at an inopportune time and scared off some monkeys about to get it on primate-style. The two workers already in the lab, one of whom had a video camera, were very disappointed...
...The misogynistic jokes told during a certain final club’s outing displayed “a disconcerting and ironic bifurcation, in which ‘pussy’ hegemonizes discourse as both an object of scorn and an object of lust,” according to Hist & Lit concentrator Joseph F. Brauntuch ‘04. Responded Fox punchmaster Brice I. Wideriver ‘02: “So I was like, ‘what’s that stank smell?’ and it was pussy! I love pussy.’”...
...Arriving hungry at a punch outing Saturday morning, Amir J. Daharpuni ‘04 unknowingly consumed three very pot-laced cookies, washing them down with hefty gulps of the Beam. Later Amir was notified that the cookies were special recipe. “I don’t feel baked,” he muttered over and over to a pile of rocks ...
...“I don’t do crew,” Charles P. Tsai ‘02 told anyone who would listen for the fourth consecutive Head of the Charles weekend, “but I’m still looking forward to a little ‘head’ in the next few days, if you know what I’m saying.” For the fourth consecutive year, Tsai’s weekend was fellatio-free...
...Strange turn-on of the week: When Joanne E. Somers ‘02 hears anyone say “I got two Tomato Basils and a Mushroom,” she gets a tingly feeling in her special place. Asked for comment, Paulo at ‘Noch’s replied only, “I got a large steak and cheese. Whattaya want on that?”...
...Peeing off the bow of the Spee boat during a Saturday outing, very drunk punch Gerry S. Botwin ‘04 was surprised when his urine was carried on the wind back towards him. “Aah! Why is this happening?” he screamed as he was battered by a hurricane of piss...
