The Gossip Guy punch continues apace. It features boatloads of drunk, horny lies, stilted and awkward rumors and male-only innuendo...
...Peter D. Usher ‘03 dumped Heather O. Lipitz ‘04 because she reminded him of a girl that he once knew...
...Mysterious new spots appeared on Susan E. Kaufman ‘05’s futon this weekend while she was away in Vermont. Her roommate, Amber D. Hutchinson ‘05, whose boyfriend Billy was visiting from Duke, insisted, “This has nothing to do with me and Billy doing it in the common room”...
...Poring over his freshman facebook, Felix P. Johnson ‘03 remarked once again that the prospect of finally meeting Faye T. Johnson ‘03, the best-looking girl in his class and his presumptive neighbor during alphabetically-ordered graduation ceremonies, was the only thing keeping him in school. He was then informed that graduaton seating is by house. Johnson is currently considering taking some time off...
...After a long Shabbat of services, a group of completely ferkacked Jews, apparantly having an impromtu early Purim party, was found clinking kiddush cups and doing a tipsy hora in Pfoho. Commented David S. Goldberg ‘03, while being elevated on a Harvard-issue rocking chair, “Suck it, Haman!”...
...Owl punch Amir C. Daharpuni ‘04 can’t say he was enticed by the three club officers who spent the event killing goldfish with their hands. Cringed Daharpuni, “I don’t think that’s the proper way to slaughter goldfish.”...
...The Presidential Installation was pretty hot and sweaty—or was that just Paul A. Gusomorino ‘02 after his microphone broke? Anyhoo, the real action was at the afterparty, held in Loeb House. After Professor of English and V. E. S. Chair Marjorie Garber screwed in blacklights, moved the futon out of the common room and posted “You must not drink unless you are 21” signs throughout, Quincy Housemaster and Professor of Astronomy Robert P. Kirschner rolled in with a 30-pack of Milwaukee’s Best and yelled “The Kirschmeister has unleashed the Beast!” Newly installed President Lawrence H. Summers blanked on Kirschner’s name, and referred to him only as “man” or “dude” throughout the evening. Dean of the College Harry R. Lewis ‘68 pre-partied in University Hall, opened his office window and urinated on the John Harvard statue before making his way over to the festivities. Baker Professor of Economics Martin S. Feldstein ’61, manning the door, gave Lewis a pound as the computer science professor strolled into the party. Associate Professor of Linguistics Bert R. Vaux tried to sneak in behind Lewis but was halted by Feldstein.”Whoa there! Sorry, dude, no room for Associate Professors here,” Feldstein said, motioning for the HUPD to escort Vaux off the premises. Inside, a frustratingly limited MP3 playlist dicated the tunes, but no one could change it because Yale Registrar Johanna S. Runyan was hooking up with Cornell General Counsel Martin H. White in the bedroom with the computer. Finally, former Provost Harvey V. Fineberg ‘67 set up his ‘tables, and when he dropped the beat to DMX’s “Up In Here,” Professor of Afro-American Studies Cornel West ‘74 took the mic. While West delivered tight rhymes about “shaking yo’ ass” and “the plight of the underclass,” Kenan Professor of Government Harvey C. Mansfield ‘53 and Law School Professor Alan Dershowitz engaged Kingsley Porter University Professor Helen H. Vendler in a freak sandwich. “I give all my ladies D’s” said Mansfield, bending his knees to align pelvises with Vendler. “Deez nutz!”...
