They halt high-speed bikers pedaling through the Yard to save camera-happy tourists from an undignified death. They escort partygoers who refuse to hear that the kegger is tapped out. They accompany that freshman in Grays to UHS for a midnight carbon snack. These omnipotent regulators are the men and women of Harvard law enforcement, the long arm of the real law at Harvard.

The uniformed force is responsible for more than just keeping drunken students from passing out in the MAC quad. From money transports across campus and late-night patrol around Au Bon Pain to plain-clothes detail and a host of other duties, they are charged with keeping Cambridge from ending up like New Haven.

These are not your typical, beefy, tomato-faced cops. HUPD haute couture reigns: black outfits only, never blue. And it's no boys club either since 13 of the 55 officers are female. "Some people would be quicker to criticize a female," says Officer Amy Divirliglio, "but in general, I don't think it's too much of a problem. We've got 13 women in this department, we're well ahead of a lot of other departments. People just have to accept that because so many women are getting involved with [law enforcement]." Beyond the commanding female presence on the force, HUPD is considered a model program, with officers claiming high job satisfaction.

For these cops, a day's work is all just part of the Puritan work ethic. Officer Rob Reyes attributes the contentedness to the fact that the people who make the HUPD run revel in performing their duties. They fraternize with students and with each other. "The officers here are really supportive," says Divirgilio. "If anyone is going through some sort of personal struggle, it isn't uncommon for the officers to give up his vacation time and sick time so that that person can take a little extra time off. And that's just one example of the way people take care of each other here." HUPD could easily give a few lessons on warm fuzzies--when they're not conducting undercover raids--to other members of the often frigid Harvard community.

The members of HUPD divide their days into three shifts. Some work the 8 a.m.-to-4 p.m. shift where officers are called to cruise around the B-school to make sure there are no shady characters defiling a gilt statue, an ivy-covered edifice or, God forbid, a Bloomberg box. From 4 p.m. to midnight, officers patrol local liquor vendors searching for underaged, fake ID-toting frosh trying to smile like their 22-year-old brothers. Frequenters of Louie's Superette on Banks Street beware. They close out the night with the midnight-to-8 a.m. graveyard shift. In the depths of the darkness, officers encounter anyone from the rowdy homeless in front of Store 24 to crazed bike thieves skulking around Peabody Terrace. As all Harvard parents would sleep safe knowing, HUPD patrols the campus 24-7. It may not be New Haven, but like any city, crime oozes from the Cambridge soil.

Whether they are leaning against the wall of Memorial Hall watching freshman stream through the doors or walking the beat past Let's Go on Mount Auburn, HUPD officers try to assimilate. Some of them, such as Officer Kevin Bryant, have campus recognition for more than their guns. A few weeks ago, Bryant hosted the Callbacks a cappella concert and led the audience in a heartfelt rendition of "Under the Boardwalk" and "Sitting by the Dock of the Bay." When he isn't serenading audiences at Sanders, Bryant can be found giving frosh presentations about the HUPD on how to not buy forties at Lil' Peach or patrolling the streets of Cambridge. "I love interacting with people from all walks of life and helping people when they are in a critical situation," Bryant explains.

Though "critical situations" rarely occur at Fair Harvard, the men and women of the HUPD are fully trained to deal with shoot-outs, crack busts and grand theft auto--should it arise. Like any other police agents, they attend a six-month training school where they learn the intricacies of criminal law, first aid, CPR, court procedures, self-defense, patrol procedure and firearm training. Think police academy, but without Proctor. Each officer packs a gun, along with other implements of destruction like batons and mace, for stunning even the most rabid pre-med intent on stealing a little nitrous after a chem final.

Most officers say meeting and interacting with the people around Cambridge is their favorite part of the job. "I used to work at Northeastern," says Reyes. "This is a much safer campus comparatively." When dealing with students, Reyes' rule is don't bother people unless they are doing something flagrantly wrong. "This is not the line of work to make enemies. I like to treat people like I treat myself." Matthew, 7:12.

But life isn't always so sugary sweet. HUPD spends much of its time dealing with Harvard scum. Every horror stories ends on the HUPD doorstep: someone's bike ripped off from a rack outside of the Science Center or a laptop mysteriously disappearing from Lamont during reading period. "Talking to people who have grown up around [the Cambridge and Somerville area], I've found that many of them say it's just a well known fact that Harvard students are careless with their possessions. They just aren't aware," says DiVirgilio.

While self-absorbed would-be philosophers wander around Widener flipping through pages of Habermas, the surrounding community is well aware of what Harvard people are doing. Invasion of the ivy utopia is common during reading period while would-be thieves size up the campus and pilfer a few backpacks and PalmVs. Although crime has decreased in Cambridge recently because of snow, rain and--unrelatedly--the booming economy, Harvard students still leave burglars every opportunity to grab some booty. From psychologically impaired shoe thieves to the crime spree that jarred Eliot House a few weeks ago, crimes happen here all of the time.

These offenses are not always petty. Some altercations cannot be shrugged off. Divirgilio laments the lack of attention devoted to rape and assault at Harvard: "where I went to college the average statistic was about one out of every four women was assaulted but maybe only three or four of those were reported a year. And we're not talking about prosecution; the woman might admit that she was raped and want to go to the hospital, but not even want to file a report," she says. Rape receives a measure of attention on campus, but officers are not entirely convinced that women admit the worst.

This year, four or five rapes were reported. But HUPD wonders how many women remain silent rather than risk social standing, close relationships or public embarrassment. "Maybe it happened last week or last year, but these are the girls you see everyday, you eat lunch with them and go to class. And this is one of the things that concerns me the most about this job," Divirgilio says. "I want people to know that the HUPD has resources to help them. There are tons of resources outside of the HUPD, but we also have trained professionals. And letting people know that is pretty important."

As a woman, Divirgilio is extremely aware of the terror of rape and the gender balance on the force. She is well-versed in the appropriate means for women to protect themselves from violent assaults. Divirgilio has been with HUPD for about a year and a half; her experience in the Marines, however, most likely prepared her for all she could expect in Cambridge. "My outlook on the situation is generally kind of different than most people. I like working with the men that I work with, there are some difficult times, but that comes with the territory. I mean, I'm five-foot-nothing, and if I come across some guy that's 6'7", no, I'm not going to be able to muscle the guy to the ground if I need to. And I think that's an issue that a lot of people think about."

"It's something that [the other officers] think about when they send you to calls, and I don't think that should be the case. I might be 5'4", but that's why I went to police academy; they teach you to work with what you've got and get yourself out of a bad situation. And that's why we carry the tools that we carry--a firearm, pepper spray and a baton. I'd be justified in using my pepper spray before a guy who's 6', 200 pounds and lifts weights everyday, because I need to break up a fight or someone's resisting arrest. So overall I think people are always thinking about things like that in the back of their minds. Not because they don't want to send a woman, but because they don't want me to get hurt."

And perhaps, that is just prudence. According to Reyes, "The most important part about being an officer is using common sense. If something doesn't look right, it probably isn't. Also, you have to make quick decisions on your feet. It's definitely a job where you learn everyday from the officers who have been doing it their whole lives." On a typical day, Reyes will opt for the 4 to midnight shift. During the summer, he likes to have the days to himself. As the light wanes, he gets in his cruiser and watches Harvard hit the books. "I love my job here," he says. "But, I also want to keep my options open. Eventually, I would love to represent the town I live in. It's tough to get a job in the state of Massachusetts. There's a lot of competition to be a police officer. It seems like everyone wants to be a cop."

If everyone wants to be a cop, their aspirations pale in comparison to the charisma of the infamous Officer Kevin Bryant. He strides around campus, belting his favorite tunes. His speech to freshman was designed to strike terror into young hearts as he threatened each and every inexperienced kid to abstain from alcohol or face his wrath. Bryant is a wet dream for the HUPD PR office, and with his never-fading Academy Award grin, he even catered to FM's whims, agreeing to the following exclusive interview:

FM: How long have you worked with the HUPD?

KB: I've been with them for eight-and-a-half years.

FM: Did you always want to be a police officer?

KB: No, I wanted to sing or become an actor. But that's okay because now I'm a mediator, psychologist, mentor, leader, role model, counselor and comedian.

FM: What inspired you to sing at the Callbacks concert?

KB: The Callbacks gave me the opportunity to sing. Also the energy from the crowd was just so positive. If it wasn't for the Callbacks, I wouldn't have gotten that chance. I just can't thank them enough.

FM: What do you feel is the most rewarding part of your job?

KB: Interacting with people from all walks of life.

FM: What types of programs would you like to see started at Harvard if you had the chance to start them.

KB: Well, I'm a member of the Freshman Community Policing Team, so I would throw a party for my students at Annenberg Hall

FM: That's awesome. If you had a theme song a la Ally McBeal, what would it be?

KB: It's a song by Lenny Kravitz, I think it's called "You Got to Believe." It's a very positive song; if you want it, you've got it, you just got to believe, believe in yourself 'cause it's all just a game...we just want to be loved.

FM: You've got a pretty good singing voice there.

KB: Yeah, actually you'd be surprised how many officers have good voices, that's because we have to project a lot. Maybe we could get together and form an HUPD choir or something.

FM: What's your sign?

KB: Sagittarius

FM: Okay. Do you prefer regular or plain-clothes shifts.

KB: Both, actually.

FM: Why?

KB: On uniform patrol, you cover a sector, you are in a marked patrol car and people notice who and where you are. Uniformed police presence can be a deterrent to crime. On the other hand when you're in plain clothes no one knows who you are. It's much easier to conduct surveillance on a suspect; you can be right next to a suspect when he or she commits a crime.

FM: What types of things do you do when you're not working?

KB: I spend time with my family. I also learn and teach Kenpo karate, I sing with an a cappella group that I belong to called Everett Station. And, of course, I hang out with my friends

FM: What type of music do you listen to when you're cruising?

KB: Literally everything. From disco, rock, metal, reggae, rap, blues, jazz, progressive rock, techno, progressive jazz, alternative, new age, folk and even a little bit of country and western.

FM: What is the most exciting thing that has happened while you were on duty?

KB: I'd have to say it was the opportunity to meet Nelson Mandela.

FM: If you were a tree what type of tree would you be?

KB: A giant redwood tree.

FM: What is your favorite cartoon character?

KB: Bugs Bunny because he improvises and adapts to the situation and beats his enemies at their own game.

FM: You seem to do a lot of public speaking, do you enjoy it?

KB: Yes I do, I enjoy relating to people whether it be a crowded room, an auditorium or just one-on-one.

FM: With all of your experience, do you have any word of wisdom for Harvard students?

KB: Learn to treat others with the respect and dignity you think you deserve and don't pass judgment on a person until you find out what he or she is all about.

Ok, so KB PR may not B the whole HUPD story. We went for the DL. FM took a little ride in their super-powered cruiser. Hoping for murder and intrigue, we were sorely disappointed. Friday and Saturday night offer a lot of potential: party busts, drunken interventions and domestic assault break-ups among other notable fracases. Although, the dead of winter is not prime time for action, FM still managed to get a glimpse of reality--for a little while.

FRIDAY NIGHT

9:45 p.m.: cruising the street.

9:50 p.m.: cruising around the Peabody Terrace Garage looking for bike thieves.

9:52 p.m.: taking a stroll through Peabody Terrace. There is a central watch guard on duty 24 hours a day.

9:54 p.m.: everything seems pretty quiet.

9:56 p.m.: run the plates on a suspicious F-150 truck in the Mahoney's parking lot using the LEAPS system.

10:00 p.m.: Andover Hall at the Divinity School.

10:17 p.m.: taking a ride through the Law School area. Langdell Hall.

10:19 p.m.: swing over to the Academy of Arts and Sciences. Dark park and wooded area has been known for drug activity in the past. We get out of the car and walk through the Academy of Arts and Sciences.

10:25 p.m.: patrolling around another of Harvard's off campus domains. At the corner of Beacon St. and Washington St. Holden Green: where grad students live. Harvard has more property on Irving St. (bed and breakfast).

10:32 p.m.: taking a drive through the Yard. Looking to see if there is anything going on there. One of the biggest advantages about patrolling the Yard is that people who are supposed to be there are usually on the go. If anyone looks suspicious it is very easy to point that person out. Especially because visibility is so great the entire distance of the Yard.

10:40 p.m.: taking a ride through JFK park.

10:49 p.m.: going to head over to the B-school area across the river.

10:53 p.m.: driving around the B-school parking lot. There is 24-hour security guard post there.

10:56 p.m.: on Mass Ave. going to swing by 1306 Mass Ave. There is an open and easily accessible lobby where homeless people like to spend the night.

11:02 p.m.: going by Church St. in the Yard. In this area, one common type of crime is the smash-n-grab. Perpetrators will smash a window or store display with a brick, or even a car, and grab the merchandise that they can get to.

11:07 p.m.: Parking on Appian Way. Walking around that area to make sure nothing is going on. There is a homeless shelter connected to the church on Garden St. and the officer just checks to make sure that none of the homeless people have wandered onto Harvard property.

11:09 p.m.: taking a walk through the Radcliffe Quad and the adjoining areas. There is security in the Radcliffe quad until 1a.m.

11:12 p.m.: receive a call for possible assistance. We are headed to the Ground Round on Storrow Drive. There is construction in the area and homeless people or vandals might want to take advantage of the chaotic situation. There is a suspicious car in the parking lot and one of the plain-clothes officers on patrol asks for help. Any call that the HUPD receives for assistance from another officer gets blue-light priority, which means that the officer would use lights and sirens. They believe very heavily in protecting and assisting their own.

11:19 p.m.: awaiting plain-clothes officer Kevin Brown at the Mahoney's parking lot. We find out that the situation at the Ground Round was taken care of--teenagers sitting and talking in a car.

11:28 p.m.: heading back to the station, located at 29 Garden St., to drop off his sector keys. Each of the officers on duty has sector keys that allow them to enter public areas in the dorms in case of emergency. The superintendents usually leave at around 5 p.m., and the security guards are on duty until 1 a.m. The officers wouldn't have to wait for the superintendent or security guards. They don't have access to student rooms.

11:42 p.m.: one last look around the observatory parking lot. Then back to the station.

SATURDAY NIGHT

7:00 p.m.: meet officer Amy Divirgilio at the HUPD headquarters at 29 Garden St.

7:29 p.m.: lights flashing. Officer Divirgilio has pulled over a red Nissan that was going the wrong way on a one-way street. This is very common in the Boston area because there are so many one-way streets and tourists. HUPD is not allowed to give tickets for traffic violations. This is more of an informative stop, on Chauncy Street and Mass Ave.

7:32 p.m.: heading down to B-school and athletic facilities using lights and sirens.

7:42 p.m.: offering assistance to the plain-clothes officers on Storrow Drive who helped a family with a flat tire off of the road. Waited until the tow truck arrived and the situation was under control.

7:53 p.m.: cruising past Annenberg.

7:55 p.m.: we are approached by an elderly couple looking for directions to Langdell Hall North. People don't seem to be at all apprehensive when dealing with the HUPD.

7:56 p.m.: patrolling the Law School area.

8:13 p.m.: patrolling JFK park. For a while this was a drug arrest hotspot, but since it is state property that is kept up by Harvard, both the state police and Harvard patrol the area and the drug problem has pretty much been eliminated.

8:27 p.m.: receive a call about suspicious people in the Yard trying to get into freshmen dorms. We wait near the Science Center as back-up in case the plain-clothes officer needs some assistance. Dispatchers send the unmarked units to the scene first so that police presence doesn't scare away the potential suspects.

8:35 p.m.: the situation was taken care of without need for back up. Everything is pretty safe here in Cambridge.

Antoinette C. Nwandu '02, a resident of Cabot house by way of Los Angeles, believes in truth, justice and the American way. But what she'd really like to do is direct.

PARSING

CODE 1: GARAGE DOOR OPEN

CODE 4: PHONE CALL

CODE 7: LUNCH/DINNER BREAK

CODE 9: REFILL ON GAS

CODE 10: COMING INTO THE STATION

CODE 17: GOING TO BRING DINNER TO THE STATION

CODE 136: TRANSPORT PEOPLE TO UHS OR MONEY TRANSPORT

CODE 111: INTOXICATED PERSON

CODE 209: DOMESTIC ASSAULT AND BATTERY

HUPD OFFICERS

Name: Officer Roberto Reyes

Years with HUPD: Two.

Favorite thing about the job: The people.

What type of music do you listen to while you're cruising: Rock and slow jazz.

What type of tree would you be if that sort of thing happened in real life: An oak.

Name: Officer Thomas B. Hustus

Years with HUPD: 31.

Favorite thing about the job: Helping people.

What type of music do you listen to while you're cruising: I'm a bike cop.

What type of tree would you be if that sort of thing happened in real life: An oak because it's so strong.

Name: Officer Patricia Lio

Years with HUPD: One. I previously worked with the Suffolk University Police department.

Favorite thing about the job: The variety of tasks. Everyday is something different.

What type of music do you listen to while you're cruising: 93.7 WEGQ (funk) and 98.5 WMBX (rock).

What type of tree would you be if that sort of thing happened in real life: A birch.

What is your theme song: "Telling Stories" by Tracy Chapman.