Yale University is inferior in every way to Harvard. New Haven is ghetto. Yalies are unattractive, dirty individuals who have low self-esteem.

There are a lot of jocks at Harvard that wear DHA sweats in Kirkland and concentrate in Government. They carry their keycards around their necks and like to pound beers.

Everyone goes to The Grille because they are so lax on fake IDs.

President Neil Rudenstine speaks in a very slow, off-kilter manner. His speeches weird us out.

Final clubs are misogynistic. Final clubs members are pretentious. Girls who go to final clubs are sluts.

Pre-meds are hardcore and anal. They use four-color pens.

Computer science concentrators are freaks. They grow pale from lack of sunlight and get RSI. They are going to make a lot of money on the Internet.

Harvard is a research institution. The professors here are out-of-touch and don't care about the students. Office hours? Forget it!

Emory is the Harvard of the South. Stanford is the Harvard of the West. Harvard is the Duke of the North.

Remember that episode of Saved by the Bell where Jesse bombs her SATs and can't get into Stansbury or Harvard? Then she decides that it's not important - and we all know how she ends up. As Slater would say, "Sorry, mama".

Getting quadded sucks. The housing up there is dope, unless you get put in Jordan. You never see any of your friends from the River.

Mather is ugly. New Quincy is repellant. Currier is appalling. Don't get us started on Leverett Towers.

Chickwiches!

The UC is totally useless. The student body is apathetic. Fly-by-lunches are simultaneously useful and vomitous.

Dating, having lunch with, or talking to your TF is totally sketch. Besides, they don't even speak English!

You can take the fuck truck to Wellesley College for some quick and easy lovin'.

The CUE guide uses the same phrases over and over to represent percentages of people.

FM is trashy and self-referential. Their writers are uninformed and insensitive. Groovy train is nonsensical.