Winter sucks. And recent flirtation with balmy weather only makes matters worse. No wonder everyone is on the fritz. The deans have quarantined themselves in U Hall; Kenan Professor of Government Harvey C. Mansfield 53 has broken out his shearling coat; even genial TFs are refusing to hold section outside. Wintertime at Harvard is as raw as unbalmed lips (see p. 5) after a two week incarceration in a pressurized vacuum bag.

While enrollment statistics indicate that most Harvard kids call the Northeast home, by the look of things, the numbers lie. Nobody knows how to dress for the weather. Sure, there's the occasional undergraduate who will thrive in the coldest months with a pick-of-the-litter Gore-Tex jacket, everything-proof gloves and super-boots capable of a moonwalk. But on average, Harvard kids have left their winter smarts at home with mom. Winter idiots come in four different varieties:

THE ENTHUSIAST

The Enthusiast fails to recognize that happiness and the Northeast winter have nothing to do with one another. The Enthusiast relishes a bone-chilling breeze and when it comes to snow, he just gobbles the stuff up. Cross-country skiing? You betchya! The Enthusiast wears fleece headbands and will attempt making a snow angel even in curbside slush. FM advice to The Enthusiast: Go die.

THE SNIFFLER

Spot The Sniffler by a train toilet paper following a set of beet-red nostrils. In lecture, The Sniffler blows, snorts and snots, infecting a four-row radius. Rest, medication, hydration--these words mean nothing to The Sniffler whose misery (read: identity) depends on a perpetual state of illness. FM advice to The Sniffler: Arithromycin.

THE REJECT

The Reject rejects winter and denies its existence. The Reject hates mercury and judges temperature by sunshine. Oftentimes without jacket, scarf or gloves, The Reject can be spotted dashing through the Yard, hands buried in a barn jacket--a true fashion victim. Living such a risky lifestyle, The Reject can often become a Sniffler. FM advice to The Reject: www.weather.com.

THE ICE QUEEN

The Ice Queen snubs winter like she disregards most human beings. The standard Ice Queen blows colder than a vicious Noreaster and needs nothing more than a thin pea coat layer for the winter months. She feels no pain. The Ice Queen dispenses with unsightly gloves and muffs. She embraces the cold; she is the cold. FM advice to The Ice Queen: Be nice.