The Undergraduate Council wants a student center. They've even earmarked a good $25,000 of last year's found funds to go towards its creation. But for once, the council's not just huffing and puffing its own air--the student on the street wants the center too. She wants office space, he wants big-screen TVs, and, goshdarnit, they want a place to party! While FM supports these demands (and oh-so-many more), we'd like to suggest the following community-friendly additions to the plan:

* jukebox to muffle the sounds of Kroks, Pitches, Callbacks and the like

* tanning booth for pasty New Englanders

* posturepedic settees to soothe RSI victims

* stacks of undelivered FMs

* Clinique consultants on call for Cabot library moles

* merry-go-round for Crimson Keyers

* C'est Mal, a Room 13-sponsored coffee bar

FM would also appreciate:

* two-way mirrors

* inflatable MoonWalk

* inflatable e-mail kiosks

* inflatable ping pong table

* red line T stop

* shrinky-dinks station, complete with stove

* Lester Lanin

* astroturf

* petting zoo

* jumbo floor-mat keyboard

* lasers, all kinds

* methadone

Should the administration bemoan a lack of space, they're lying. Here follow five expendable sites:

*Harvard Information Booth, Holyoke Center's tourist mecca

* Currier, source of blocking terror

* Canaday Hall, Yard eyesore

* the Porc, clearly University property

* Lamont Library, current student social center