Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons `67 has seen it all. Working in the Harvard Admissions office since 1972, Fitzsimmons says that would-be-Harvard students have tried everything under the sun to increase their odds of getting that certificate of acceptance to Harvard College (yes folks, the one that is suitable for framing).

So what are kids doing to suck up? "We receive a dozen roses any number of times," Fitzsimmons says. Other gifts delivered to Byerly Hall include cakes, date and nut bread, carrot cakes and once even a chocolate Veritas shield. One eager senior, who apparently had not mastered the art of subtlety, sent a set of pencils with her name on it along with a picture proclaiming "admit me," just as a presidential candidate might do.

One of the strangest stories Fitzsimmons shares was of an applicant who wrote his essay with his foot. "He had his friend take pictures," Fitzsimmons says. The essay closed with the line, "I hope to leave a footprint in the sands of time." Really clever, eh? Another student, trying to get noticed, sent in a box of corrected papers--all of them since kindergarten actually. Students have tried everything-pictures of sword collections, diaries, letters of recommendation from the president, pictures with famous people, and all sorts of poems and anagrams.

But who takes the cake as the biggest suck-up to ever apply (At least in Fitzsimmons' memory)? One student in the early to mid-70s sent close to 100 letters of recommendation, including one from his orthodontist, who assured the admissions office that everything was okay now, and the applicant now had a wonderful smile. "He showed up at a recruiting session and at the office," Fitzsimmons says. "During the interview, he literally stopped the interviewer and made him listen to a tape of his music," he adds. He played the cello.

Well, did suck-up number one get in, you may wonder. Well, no. "He was clearly in the 10 or 15 percent who wasn't qualified [academically]," Fitzsimmons says.

With so many really good suck ups applying to Harvard, some of them must be doing something right. Well...no again. "I'm not sure anyone may have gotten in," Fitzsimmons says. He strongly advises against overkill and attempts to get noticed. "The point isn't to get noticed; the point is to get in," he says.

So, apologies to zealous Class of 2004 applicants who got a hold of this piece. No new advice from the Harvard Admissions office--just old advice. Fitzsimmons says to play it straight and suggests that the old cliche of being yourself holds water. "Also, use a bit of humility," he advises.

Fitzsimmons says, "One shouldn't seek 15 minutes of fame."

Hey--what's wrong with Fifteen Minutes?