Everybody knows that a brand-new Harvard T-shirt screams, "tourist," but a faded collegiate top softly implies, "coolness." How does one achieve the latter? There are three routes to patina-posh: (1) legitimately wear the garment for about five years, (2) buy a weathered T-shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch, or (3) make it yourself. For all you threes out there, here's a little recipe.

1. Buy an inexpensive T-shirt with plain lettering. (Suggested locations: The Coop, $11.95; J. August & Co., $12.99.)

2. Dig a shallow grave in a muddy location. Digging implements include spoons or knives from the dining hall. Coat the shirt with soil and bury it overnight.

3. Disinter the shirt and soak it for three hours in a solution of diluted bleach. Do not agitate the water or remove caked-on mud.

4. Wring dry and lay flat on the top rack of a dishwasher. Use lemon-scent detergent and wash the shirt with "pot-scrubber" (two cycles) and "heated dry" (two cycles). The shirt should be fairly stiff, crunchy and a lighter shade of gray.

5. To make the school letters appear old and cracked, run a knife under the edges of the characters and pick at the decal. A nail file or sand paper will roughen the surface of the letters.

6. Finally, fray the seams of the sleeves and the neckline by running a sharp knife along the leading edge.