Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I realize that many of you are simply "shopping around," and may later decide that this column is not the "thing" for you, so I'll keep my remarks to the barest possible minimum.

These are the "Rock" listings. They are not a gut. You do not have to stay here today, but if you decide to stick around beyond this week, attendance will be mandatory, since the purpose, letter, spirit and moped of this entire experience is violated if you don't show up regularly. No auditors will be permitted. There will be no hourlies, no papers, and no final. You will be graded telepathically, by computer, utilizing the magnetic strip affixed to the back of your student identification card. There are no curves, there are no section meetings, there is no grade inflation, and the Yanks will win it all in five.

Remember, you only have yourself to blame.

This woman who refused to give me free tickets to Steve Martin last week sent this amazing letter to me, asking me to tell you all to go see Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme, with Don Rickles yet, at the Music Hall, through October 1. She's gotta be kidding. This is a rock column, y'know...Hey, but seriously, kids, if Steve and Eydie live up to their promise, and sing to the accompaniment of a punk-rock band, it should be quite an evening. Rickles--hey! Ain't he the funniest thing since orthopedic shoes, yeah you, the lady and I use the term loosely in the front row. Ha Ha. Hey--GO FOR IT. Tickets only cost 10 bucks, 20 tops. Ha Ha. Orthopedic shoes...

I refuse to list any concerts for today because that would be against my religion, and so everybody else has to suffer. (By the way, nosey, I wrote this on Tuesday night, so it's kosher.) Anyhow, Friday and Saturday at least, you just gotta catch the Dead Boys Down at the Rat. No question about it, it's the rock event of the week. Sun Ra'll be at John Hancock Hall on Friday night at 8. Cleo Lane and John Dankworth and Willie T. Wheel will be at the Berklee Performance Center and The Stone Soup Society, in that order, on Saturday night. Hey, those zany Crusaders return to the greater Big Bean area on Sunday, when they take on the audience at the Berklee Performance Center at 8 p.m. Not to mention Randy Newman at 8 at Symphony Hall that very same night, not to mention--hey!...wait a second! Is anybody reading this? Class dismissed! Later.