Don't bother to read Rich's column, gang, cause the best rock sound available this week (with the possible exception of Jethro Tull at the Garden on December 6) is on the tube. On Wednesday night, all you "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boys" can get "In the Mood" with Bette Midler and her friends. Instead of shelling out 100 bucks for front row seats (that's what they charged when she opened in Chicago a couple of years ago), watch her for free at 10 p.m. on channel 4.

No sense reading the Jazz column this week either--there isn't one. The King of Swing won't be in Boston, but he could be right in the proverbial, cliche-worn living room if you switch on channel 2 at 8 p.m. this Tuesday night. In Performance at Wolf Trap features the legendary Benny Goodman blowing sweetly on his clarinet, a must for jazz buffs.

And the Stage column probably won't clue you in to anything half as good as Sunday night's hour-long special of scenes from the Broadway show Annie(8 p.m., channel 4).

Even the flicks this week may be outdone by a television movie, The Storyteller. Airing Monday at 9 p.m. on channel 4, the made-for-T.V. flick stars Martin Balsam as a Hollywood scriptwriter who struggles with guilt after his film about arson prompts a 12-year-old boy to set a fire where he dies of smoke inhalation. It may not be Crime and Punishment, but it sounds better than the usual television fare.

So there you have it. No need to read the rest of the magazine. No need to go out anywhere and spend money. Just let the economy stagnate while you stay at home. Just let your body decay while you lie on your couch and stare transmogrified into the set. Just watch TV and read this scintillating column. What more could you want from life? Megalomaniacally yours,